I'm Not Enough
God is good. This is something my mom said, texted, and emailed all the time. Mom spoke these words when all was well, but she particularly declared the goodness of God in the difficult times. When Mom said “God is good” during the hard times, I don’t think she needed the reminder, she was resolved that God is always good. I think Mom wanted me to know, and all of her family, and anyone else listening that God’s goodness exists no matter our circumstances as that is the character of God. In understanding His character, it is easier to trust Him when the difficult times come. My sweet mama, the one with this constant reminder I so often benefitted from hearing, has left this earth for heaven.
There is no quick cure for grief. You have to walk through it, and that takes time. In this recent experience of trudging through the onslaught of emotions that come with grief, old wounds also reopened. They reopened in unexpected and unwelcome ways.
In April, I made a career change not knowing that within days after starting I would be told that my thyroid must come out. Then, with stitches still in from the surgery, I received a phone call to come to Iowa immediately as my mom was taking a turn for the worse in her brave cancer battle. On top of that, my ulcerative colitis decided to surface after a long remission. One blow, two blows, three blows, I was defeated.
It was at this point that Satan started to taunt me. The old feelings of betrayal and rejection that had been buried and dealt with from a 20 year first marriage that ended with an unfaithful spouse and divorce came flooding to my soul. "I am not enough."
I spiraled out of control to darker and darker places in a very short amount of time until I could not take the weight of it. I know so many truths from the Bible, and I would say them to myself to combat this valley. But they didn't seem to take root or make a dent in my darkness. You see, grief is not a sin. Sadness is not a sin. But, taking the grief to a self-absorbed and overbearing place is all-consuming and not what God desires. I know this. I still went there hitting rock bottom last weekend.
Instead of counting my blessings, I was counting everything else. I miss Ankeny and my huge network of friends and family there. That was my home for 43 years. I miss seeing my boys more regularly (even though I do see them a lot). I couldn't make it to Iowa for Grant's 21st birthday. I miss the job I had for 11 years and every single person that I worked with there. I miss my mom.
At this place, this very lonely and dark place, I was unable to see the blessings that are right in front of me. And I know them, I just needed to name them one by one if necessary. You may know the old hymn..."When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost, count your many blessings, name them one by one and it will surprise you what the Lord hath done."
I believe that God brought me to Wisconsin. He brought me and Michael together. He has done great things. I have gained more family members. I have so many new friends and new experiences that have been wonderful. Grief is hard. God is good. The overwhelming feeling that I'm not enough is true. I am not. But, God is more than enough. The song on my mind this morning lifts me up out of my pit, "All of You is more than enough for all of me for every thirst and every need. You satisfy me with Your love and all I have in You is more than enough."
2 Corinthians 3:5, "Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God."
We all have trials, disappointments, and painful circumstances. And, we hopefully have many good and joyful moments and exciting times too. But, I figure if my mom could say in quoting Scripture, "This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it" then I can too. She would say that when fluid was filling her body and it took extra motivation to just get out of bed. She would say that when the cancer had gone from lungs to brain to bones to kidneys. She would say that and say, "God is good" until she could no longer speak and her days on earth were met with a greeting in heaven. At my mom's memorial service, tears of joy and sadness overcame me when I read the card my grandma sent with beautiful flowers. This 97 year old woman (with a birthday next month) exudes joy and wanted to come in person but stayed home upon doctor's advice.
The truth is that if you know Jesus Christ as your Savior, there is eternal joy that begins here on earth. My mom and dad are together with Jesus. 2 Corinthians 4:7 speaks of this, "For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison."
Today is the day I choose joy. And, tomorrow I can too.
Romans 15:13, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."
There is no quick cure for grief. You have to walk through it, and that takes time. In this recent experience of trudging through the onslaught of emotions that come with grief, old wounds also reopened. They reopened in unexpected and unwelcome ways.
In April, I made a career change not knowing that within days after starting I would be told that my thyroid must come out. Then, with stitches still in from the surgery, I received a phone call to come to Iowa immediately as my mom was taking a turn for the worse in her brave cancer battle. On top of that, my ulcerative colitis decided to surface after a long remission. One blow, two blows, three blows, I was defeated.
It was at this point that Satan started to taunt me. The old feelings of betrayal and rejection that had been buried and dealt with from a 20 year first marriage that ended with an unfaithful spouse and divorce came flooding to my soul. "I am not enough."
I spiraled out of control to darker and darker places in a very short amount of time until I could not take the weight of it. I know so many truths from the Bible, and I would say them to myself to combat this valley. But they didn't seem to take root or make a dent in my darkness. You see, grief is not a sin. Sadness is not a sin. But, taking the grief to a self-absorbed and overbearing place is all-consuming and not what God desires. I know this. I still went there hitting rock bottom last weekend.
Instead of counting my blessings, I was counting everything else. I miss Ankeny and my huge network of friends and family there. That was my home for 43 years. I miss seeing my boys more regularly (even though I do see them a lot). I couldn't make it to Iowa for Grant's 21st birthday. I miss the job I had for 11 years and every single person that I worked with there. I miss my mom.
At this place, this very lonely and dark place, I was unable to see the blessings that are right in front of me. And I know them, I just needed to name them one by one if necessary. You may know the old hymn..."When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost, count your many blessings, name them one by one and it will surprise you what the Lord hath done."
I believe that God brought me to Wisconsin. He brought me and Michael together. He has done great things. I have gained more family members. I have so many new friends and new experiences that have been wonderful. Grief is hard. God is good. The overwhelming feeling that I'm not enough is true. I am not. But, God is more than enough. The song on my mind this morning lifts me up out of my pit, "All of You is more than enough for all of me for every thirst and every need. You satisfy me with Your love and all I have in You is more than enough."
2 Corinthians 3:5, "Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God."
We all have trials, disappointments, and painful circumstances. And, we hopefully have many good and joyful moments and exciting times too. But, I figure if my mom could say in quoting Scripture, "This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it" then I can too. She would say that when fluid was filling her body and it took extra motivation to just get out of bed. She would say that when the cancer had gone from lungs to brain to bones to kidneys. She would say that and say, "God is good" until she could no longer speak and her days on earth were met with a greeting in heaven. At my mom's memorial service, tears of joy and sadness overcame me when I read the card my grandma sent with beautiful flowers. This 97 year old woman (with a birthday next month) exudes joy and wanted to come in person but stayed home upon doctor's advice.
The truth is that if you know Jesus Christ as your Savior, there is eternal joy that begins here on earth. My mom and dad are together with Jesus. 2 Corinthians 4:7 speaks of this, "For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison."
Today is the day I choose joy. And, tomorrow I can too.
Romans 15:13, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."
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