Trusting God Through Pain

What do you do when almost everything in your life changes...instantly? The things you thought were constants in your life are not anymore. Your every thought is consumed with the pain. You walk differently, talk differently, almost breath differently when you are faced with the deepest kind of pain.

I had known the pain of a dad passing away due to the cruel nature of stage IV cancer. There were moments of intense pain in watching his life slip away. But mixed in with the pain was the overwhelming joy of knowing that he was going to a better place, of knowing that I would see him again... knowing that this was just a short separation.

I had known other pain in my life. The pain of listening to a high school boyfriend's toxic words. The pain that was brought on by a few severed friendships. Pain did exist at various moments bringing me to reality that this world is not my home. Reminders that in this world we do have trouble, but we are to "take heart" because He has overcome the world. But, my life for the most part was pretty amazing...pretty pain free.

There were signs that the biggest bomb of my life was about to go off...signs for months, even years. But, we often ignore those signs.

So, when the confession came... I was actually expecting it. I had met with family, pastors, friends telling them that I knew something was very wrong, and our marriage needed help. He had met with the same people and gave hearty "amens" to the verses that were shared. But the words didn't match the actions. So, the day did come, and I did expect it. What I didn't expect as someone sitting ready to forgive, ready to seek help, ready for the journey toward healing, was to find him not wanting us to be restored. 

This was the kind of pain that took my breath away. The kind of pain that kept me up at night, for the entire night, for weeks on end. The kind of pain that could have left me bitter. But by God's grace, it transformed me into someone who ran into the arms of Jesus and begged Him to prove that His Word is true because I needed it to be in order to continue. Which, by the way, His Word is true, and it is the constant we can count on when our emotions betray us.

There were literally weeks of being physically ill, months of weight loss, months of sleeplessness, and pain on the inside so intense. But, during that season, there were prayers uttered almost with every thought. Sometimes it was just, "Help...I need help." And, during that season, there were hours spent in the Word with verses starting to do their work on this broken person. There were family and friends who cared, deeply cared. Who gave of their time, money, encouragement, and prayed - oh how they prayed.

I watched my children go through their 18th, 16th, and 13th birthdays with prayers and hopes for something different. But, I also saw them, by God's grace, turn to Jesus instead of to anger, resentment, and bitterness. I've seen them share their faith. I've watched them worship Jesus in the middle of the struggle. Praise the Lord for these streams in the desert.

Here I am, divorced. Was that what I prayed for? No. But, I am at peace that this is where God has me and for a reason.

There have been many difficult obstacles that I've had to navigate through. I'm open to whatever God has for me, and I must share that God has provided in amazing and unexpected ways! This whole time, I've had a few constant prayers. The constants have been, "God, keep the kids and me submissive to You. Keep us from bitterness. Use this situation to bring glory to Your name and use it for our good."

Our family is witnessing the goodness of God! He is all that He claims to be, and I am looking forward to following His plan! Jeremiah 17:7, "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord."

During my dad's struggle with cancer I wrote a song. During this struggle, I wrote another song.

You are Always Good - written in 2010

You are Always Good

He sees the big picture, the present and the past.

I see the moment, Oh Lord, how long with this last?

He sees the future, its already been planned.

I see He's holding me, and I'm in His hand.

For He holds us all in His loving way

And I trust in Him and this is why I say

You are good, Lord

You are good, Lord

You are always good.

He cares about everything, the big and the small

I want to see the glory of God through it all

He knows just what I need, even when I cry

I turn those tears to Him, and He wipes them dry

For He holds us all in His loving way

And I trust in Him and this is why I say

You are good, Lord

You are good, Lord

You are always good.

You are everywhere

You are always there

Every day every hour

You are my strong tower!

You are good, Lord

You are good, Lord

You are always good.

My Life is in Your Hands - written in 2014

My life is in your hands

I give you every part

Knowing who You are

I trust You with my heart

Oh God, You are so good

You can't do any wrong

You look out for me

to You I sing this song

My song of faith

Faith beyond what I see

My song of hope

Take my broken pieces

My song of love 

It's really a song of your love for me

I wake up every day

and take you at Your Word

Knowing that it's true

of this we are assured

So, when the lies come in

When we doubt and fear

Remind us who You are

You are always near

My song of faith

Faith beyond what I see

My song of hope

Take my broken pieces

My song of love 

It's really a song of your love for me